Foundations
by MadeElly
Summary: When they finally settle down the Doctor finds that Rose has a fantastic life, and he doesn't fit in it. 10.5/Rose.
1. Chapter 1

_**Foundations **_

**Pairing: **10.5/Rose

**Disclaimer: **I don't own it.

**Note: **Post Journey's End. Present tense. Angsty. Possibly (probably) multi-chaptered.

* * *

"Right," she says, "You can stay in the guest bedroom." She isn't awkward about the fact that they'll be living together. Why would she be? It'd be just like living on the TARDIS. Except for the being bigger on the inside part, and the time traveling and alien planets and the general greatness of it all. No, he reminds himself, this is what domestic feels like.

Secretly he's been hoping that she'd offer for him to move into her room with her, but he isn't expecting it. He'd learned a while ago that hoping and expecting were polar opposites.

They go to the guest bedroom and she notices the look of extreme disgust that flashes on his features. That expression makes her ache a little bit inside and wonder if he'd rather be somewhere else than with her.

"It's pink," he notes, and she smiles.

"Yeah, mum knows I like pink so she had the flat painted. Sorry 'bout that."

All traces of disapproval fade from his face as he looks at her. "I know you like pink." He says it more as an observation than a statement. It makes her smile.

She takes his hand in hers, lacing their fingers together, just like in the old days right before they'd go on a new adventure. "C'mon, let's get you some new clothes."

She knows that this life with him will be a new adventure indeed.

* * *

He hates shopping. It seems like he hates clothes in general. It must be part of the whole domestic thing, Rose thinks. He must really hate it.

Whenever she picks something out for him that she thinks he might like, he shrugs it away. He's looking for the perfect outfit.

He tries on this ridiculous pantsuit and Rose laughs. He seems offended, but then looks at the mirror and mumbles something about how this look never looked right for him. When he finds a certain scarf his face lights up and he dons it. Rose is even more amused by this choice of accessory than by his previous outfit.

"'Ey, Madame de Pompadour knitted me a scarf just like this…" he trails off as Rose looks away, pretending that some amazing object has suddenly caught her eye. "Nevermind, moving on!"

One patched coat, an umbrella scarf and a cricket outfit later, the Doctor finds a pinstripe suit much like his brown one from the other universe. Rose watches him try it on and it makes her smile and hurt at the same time. She always loved him in that suit.

Strangely, he doesn't seem to like it at all. Too tight, he complains. So she gets him a size larger. It's now the wrong color. And the pockets are all wrong.

She gives up eventually, gives him her credit card and goes off to the cosmetics section. She knows she probably shouldn't leave him all alone, but she feels like she needs a break.

Somehow this feels more like getting your teenage brother to wear something other than his greasy Led Zeppelin shirt than caring for your true love.

True love, she thinks, and blushes. It should fit, but it doesn't.

* * *

She's seen a few of her mates and talked with them. For a while she slips back into what she had previously thought was the worst life she could lead, but now it doesn't seem so bad. They talk about boyfriend troubles, the new Topshop that opened down the street and how SoHo has really dropped in standards. They ask her when she's going to come back to school, and she says that she doesn't know.

They leave and she sighs. She goes back to looking at the different mascara brushes.

"School, eh?"

She turns around and sees the Doctor standing there. She smiles as she always does when she sees him—a smile reserved for only him.

Then she notices what he's wearing.

A dark red jumper, jeans that are so dark they look black, boots, and to top it off a leather jacket that's just a little too big for him.

It makes her want to jump for joy and start bawling at the same time. She wants to laugh at how many conflicting emotions she's been having, but it all seems too ridiculous. She simply stares.

"Oh, you noticed? What, you don't like it? I decided to change here 'cuz that only suit I had needed to be eradicated. Why didn't you tell me that it smelled awful and looked bad to boot? I mean, it should be compacted or incinerated, but I did like the blue," he babbles, and then abruptly stops. "Rose, what's wrong?"

She simply stares.

"You look…I mean…" She shakes her head. She doesn't look at all like the big-eared northerner that she met so long ago. He still looks like the New New Doctor.

But sometimes when he talks, she thinks, she's reminded of her old Doctor, and it hurts. She's reminded of the Doctor in the other universe and everything they did together.

"I tried on everything I've worn previously but I really like this one. I feel trendy. Do I look trendy? Should I even be using words like trendy?"

"It's great. You look great," she says. And she means it.

* * *

She gets a phone call when she gets home and refuses to answer it, saying she doesn't feel like taking calls.

They decide to just hang out in the flat, and he tries making dinner because she tells him that she's rubbish at it.

It turns out he's worse.

The smoke alarms go off as the gas stove bursts into flames. They get it under control quickly and Rose decides that they should just go out.

They go to a local restaurant that she likes and goes to often. He wonders if they'll run into anyone she knows.

They sit down at a booth and order. The beers come, and then the food.

It's quiet.

Rose looks down at her burger and extra chips instead of looking up at him. She eats hungrily, looking up once at a while. He's eating too.

After a few more beers they start talking. The Doctor tells Rose about meeting Shakespeare. She laughs, and says she wishes she could have been there. She means it.

They discuss what name he wants to take. She's thinking John Smith, but now he decides it's the time to be creative. He picks James McCrimmon, the name he used when they met Queen Victoria.

"Jamie?" she teases, and a sad smile crosses his features.

"Nah," he drawls. "Just James. Jamie is someone else entirely."

Rose thinks he's comparing himself to his other self in the other universe. He's not.

"So, what's this about school?" he asks. "I was there for the end of that conversation. Sorry 'bout that."

"It's no problem," she tells him, and then doesn't say anymore. She's thinking. "When I got here…I joined Torchwood. But as much as I knew about aliens, I didn't know things like math or history and I wasn't good at computers and I couldn't even pass the physical exercises they made us do. And I didn't want to carry a gun," she looks up at him and he smiles at her. "So I decided to go to college. My dad bought me in easily enough. I went to Oxford. Not the New College or anything, just Magdelene, but it was a good school and it an amazing experience. I realized how much I loved learning." She looks up, right into his eyes and continues. "I knew how much you'd love me to learn."

"Fantastic," he says, and she's not smiling anymore.

"Yeah, a fantastic life…I tried," she says, remembering.

He smiles. "Doesn't look too bad. You have friends and money and school. Sounds nice."

"Yeah," she says, agreeing with him. He knows that it wasn't the same without him so she doesn't say it again. Secretly she doesn't want him to think that all she did was pine for him, because she knows that's what it'd sound like.

"Rose!"

Rose turns and sees Sophia and Tajira come toward her table. She greets her mates friendly.

"Mind if we join you?" Sophia says. Rose does a little bit, but lets her friends join her. They are almost her best mates, except for the alternate Shareen, who Rose made sure to seek out as soon as she got settled.

"And who's this?" Tajira says, looking at the Doctor with a coy smile.

"Oi, Taj, Rose'll introduce us to him in good time. No need to be nosy," Sophia says, but Rose notices that she's looking at the Doctor just as inquisitively.

"This is the Doct-" she starts, but then remembers that she can't just introduce him as "the Doctor." "This is Doctor James McCrimmon," she says, and the Doctor looks proud.

"Nice to meet you," he says, sticking his hand out. Taj looks at him and then takes his hand cordially, as does Sophia.

The Doctor notices that Sophia is giving Rose a slightly disapproving look, while Taj is raising her eyebrows.

Sophia whispers to Rose, "Explain." Rose shakes her head.

"Later," she tells her.

Tajira takes this as their cue to leave, and she nudges Sophia to go with her.

"I think that went well. It's nice to meet your friends," he says, and Rose nods.

"Yeah," she says. "Great."

She doesn't want to introduce him to all her friends, but she doesn't tell him that.

* * *

"You gotta tell him, Rose. I saw the way you were looking at him. It's just not fair."

Rose almost hangs the phone up on Sophia. "Listen, it's none of your business."

"You're my friend and Owen's my friend and if you're planning on shacking up with this Doctor guy then it is my business because it's gonna hurt some people."

Rose groans and leans back on her bed. The Doctor is in the other room, watching the new DVD boxed set of "Spaced" that came out. He hates the DVD player, but says that this show is pure genius and goes along with it.

"I know, Soph, but…I just…"

"Is this the guy?"

"What do you mean?"

"That guy. The one that you'd mention and then completely drop and we'd ask about and you'd avoid. That guy."

"Oh."

"So?"

"Yeah. Sort of."

"Wow, an enigmatic answer. What a surprise."

Rose wants to throw the phone against the wall. There's too much going on for her and she doesn't need to have to deal with friends imposing. "Listen, I'm still trying to figure everything out so can you just chill and leave me alone?" she says with a little more spite than she wanted to let on.

Sophia, confident in her opinions, seems a little put out but otherwise unfased. "Fine, but you should think of what to do soon." She hangs up.

Rose does the same and does end up throwing the phone, but not at the wall, simply on to the floor.

The door creaks open and the Doctor peeks his head in, a sweet smile on his face. "Everything okay? I heard disgruntled groaning. Of course, all groaning is disgruntled, but you know what I mean."

Rose gives a half smile back. "Yeah, everything's great. I'll join you in a few minutes, okay?"

He nods and closes the door. She groans again, this time quieter in case he was listening, but with the same amount of vigor as the previous groan.

She has to do something.

* * *

She finally decides to introduce him to her boyfriend.

Friend, she says, but he gets the gist. This guy is her boyfriend.

His name is Owen Harper. He's shorter than the Doctor is, and in his personal opinion not anywhere near as handsome. But the way he looks at Rose and snakes his arm around her waist and kisses her—well, the Doctor knows that this Owen guy (as he's dubbed him in his mind) feels strongly for her.

And he's a doctor. They met while saving the world.

The Doctor tries not to mind. Of course Rose would get on with her life in the alternate world, just like he told her too. And he shouldn't care too much about this Owen guy. She came to find _him_, after all.

But that's the thing, he thinks. He's not the man she went to find. He's just some guy she's stuck with.

And he notices that when she's around Owen there isn't any of the awkwardness there is when he talks with her. She laughs louder than she ever has before and she touches him, hugging him and putting her hand on his arm and all the things that _he _used to do with her.

He feels jealous. He told her he loved her. He still does. She lets him live with her. But ever since that day on the beach, she's treated him simply as a good mate, not a boyfriend or whatever he wants to be or what he used to be to her.

Now he realizes that she's been doing that because she already has a life here and she's trying to figure out where he fits in it.

He decides that he'll try to make it easier for her, and leaves the party on his own.

* * *

"But I love _you!_" she screams. "I want to be with _you!_"

This is their first major fight. She came home to find him packing and groaned. She expected it to be like this. She hoped he'd take it well, but she expected that he wouldn't. And he didn't.

They're now in the foyer where the TV is, standing in front of the couch and screaming at each other. She's reminded of her first fight with Doctor, when she saved her dad. It's just like this, except more frustrating, because she's not sure that he'll come back if he leaves.

"No you don't, you already have a life. Were you just bullshitting me when you told me you crossed dimensions to get back to me? Or is the fact that the man you wanted isn't here right now?" He swears again, and Rose realizes just how human he's become.

"I meant what I said on the beach, that day when I said goodbye to you for the first time. I _love _you. I have since we meant. You're everything to me," she states, and he shakes his head.

"_He's _everything to you." They both know who he's talking about, and it isn't Owen. "You want to be with him and for some reason, although I look and sound and think like him, I'm not good enough."

"I _never _said anything like that!" she protests, and she's starting to cry from frustration.

"Rose, I get back here and you neglect to mention the fact that you have a whole other life? I mean, I'm brilliant and should have guessed it, but you waited _two weeks _to tell me that you were seeing someone. I feel like I'm a burden. I know I'm a burden, and I just want to leave so I can make it easier for you. I'll keep in contact, I just don't want you to have to fucking spoon feed me! I'm not a pet or sick or…or…" he trails off. "You get the point."

She's full on crying now, because most of what he's saying makes sense, but she still protests. "I want…I want _you_. So bad. I need you. It's not the traveling or the alien parts…I love those, but I want you." She looks up at him, her mascara dribbling down her cheeks in black streaks. His heart, singular, breaks because he never wanted to make her cry like this again.

"I just…I have to leave," he says, and turns around. He already has a plan for where to go and figures that a fast break is the best. He doesn't want to drag this fight out.

She grabs his arm forcefully and pulls him back. "Don't you leave me. I have to…it's my job to…" she doesn't know how to continue.

"That's just it!" he yells and manages to laugh at the same time. "You were entrusted with me. You don't even want me here, Rose, I can tell—" He's cut off by Rose pushing him on the couch, straddling him and crashing her mouth down on his. He tries to pull away but he finds himself reacting to her kiss just as passionately.

They eventually make it to Rose's bedroom and they don't make love like she imagined their first time would be. They fuck, and it's hard and wet and intense but so full of emotion and so unbelievably human.

When Rose wakes up in the morning, the bright light peeking through the blinds and highlighting her bed, she finds that he's gone.

* * *

He's at the UNIT base with his small duffel. He looks at the armored guards and thinks, this was my brilliant plan? But it's all he's got so he walks up to one of those guards and says, "Hello, I'm the Doctor, you might've heard of me."

It's lame and he knows it, but it's all he's got.

* * *

_Thanks for reading. Please review. Criticism is welcomed. Posted on LJ.  
_


	2. Chapter 2

**Foundations: Part Two**

**Notes: Super extra special long edition.**

* * *

_Seven sunrises and seven more nights_

_You'd think that we could learn to do it right_

_If nothing changes then I'm gonna stop_

_But do I really have a choice?_

_I think not. _

She's drinking cold, stale coffee when she gets the first call from him. She doesn't know the number, but answers it eagerly as she's been doing with every call for the last week. He sounds just like he always has, energetic and cheeky. It makes her smile. And then she remembers that she's mad at him.

While she talks to him, she realizes that she's not exactly mad at him—just hurt and confused and all those other things she used to read in those teen novels she'd buy. Her relationships before have never been quite like this.

They mostly talk about nothing—jobs, politics, food, and God, even the _weather_. So this is what really breaking up is like, she thinks. It's not the painful but clean break or the "let's stay friends" she's experienced before. It's awkward and uncomfortable and she's desperate to go back to the way things were before. And it kills her that when she thinks "before," she doesn't mean with this man she's talking on the phone to right now.

So maybe he's right, she thinks. Maybe a break is good. But that doesn't make her long for him, and it definitely doesn't fix the fact that he left her without saying goodbye, the _morning after_.

God, her life so is like a teen romance.

She's snapped out of thought when she realizes that he isn't saying anything. "Hello?" she asks, timidly, to make sure he's there.

"Yeah, I'm here," he answers. "Rose…we need to talk."

Fear strikes deep within her. Oh no, not _that _talk. She hoped everything would fix itself, like it did in the teen romances. She didn't want to have to deal with this like the adult she was. And she certainly didn't want to have to do it over the phone.

"About what?" she asks, and mentally slaps herself. That was the lamest thing she could have said.

"Us," he says, and there's another awkward silence. She grips the phone tight as she feels herself starting to sweat uncomfortably.

"'Us'? I thought there was no 'us'," she answers, a lot more bitterly than she wanted to let on.

"I never said that," he says, his voice deep and stern and she recognizes it as the way he talks when he's completely serious. Usually it's when he's offering someone a second chance. She knows this, and she hates being talked to that way.

She swallows, and opens her mouth to speak, and then shuts it, thinking of what could _possibly_ be the right thing to say. "You didn't have to," she finally says. "I got the message." She takes the phone away from her ear, looks at it, and then hangs up.

* * *

A week. That's how long it's been since the last time he called. Not that she expected him to, with the way they parted last time, or, well, _didn't _part. She knows she could call him, but really, she wants to appear like she doesn't care.

And then it occurs to her that the Doctor isn't the type of man who would fall for that. If it seems like she doesn't care, then he'll leave her alone. So maybe that's why he's not calling.

No, he has to know that she's mad at him, and he can't just leave it there.

Or maybe he's busy with work?

She groans and puts her head on her desk. No more excuses—she has to call him. Right now, she tells herself.

And yet, she can't seem to move.

She whimpers and slaps her hands on her desk next to her head. Why does life have to be so fucking _hard_? Why did the one guy she'd ever consider calling something as cheesy as a "soul mate" break up with her?

"Hey, Tyler, wake up," Lavinia shouts out to her from across the room.

"I'm not sleeping, leave me alone," Rose says back, a distinct whine in her voice. Her own feeling that she's completely pathetic makes her want to burrow a hole all the way to China.

Lavina calls out again, her brash American accent echoing through the large room. "Wake up Tyler, we have a report to file on the Movellans." Rose can hear her the loud clanks of her stilettos coming closer to her desk. She feels a folder hit the back of her head. "Now, do it."

Rose groans. "But…the Movellans are basically aliens that look like they got permanently caught in the eighties," she complains. Her stomach sinks at how awful and useless she's gotten.

Lavinia glares at her. "Then _write that down. _Write _anything _down, but at least write _something _down." She starts to walk away and Rose can hear her mumbling under her breath. "Only because she's the boss's daughter…"

Rose leans back, trying to clear her head. Lavinia's right, she can't just coast. She has a job to do at Torchwood, and by God, she's going to do it. She won't think about him, or about them, or anything to do with her personal life. She's going to get to work and write up this report on the discotheque aliens.

That lasts for about thirty minutes until she starts to wonder how he's doing. Is he still wearing the leather jacket or has he bought a pinstripe suit? What _exactly _do they do at UNIT? And what did he have for lunch?

She practically cries from frustration at how pathetic she's being.

During this internal struggle, she starts to feel her cell phone vibrate in her pocket. She knows she's not supposed to answer calls during work, but it might be _him_.

It's not, but she answers it anyway. Anything to distract her.

"Hey, babe," she hears. She smiles.

"Hey, Owen," she replies.

"So, you haven't called in a while and I was wondering if everything was okay. You sound kind of down."

She smiles again. Now she knows why Owen can make her feel like a teenager with a crush. "I'm fine. Aren't you supposed to be, I dunno, downstairs, _working_?"

"From what I hear, you aren't doing too much working yourself."

Rose silently curses Lavinia. "Why didn't you just come up and see me?" she asks.

She hears an unsure laugh on the other side of the phone. "Well, I got the distinct impression from the last time we met that you were either mad at me or had dumped me without telling me."

She acts surprised, but knows exactly what he's talking about. "What do you mean?"

"Well, that guy…" She feels a sting even at the mention of him. "You guys seemed pretty close, and you haven't called me so I was just wondering if I should sell these tickets to football game Sunday night…" he trails off, waiting for her reply.

She's completely stunned. Now she definitely knows why Owen is referred to by her friends as "the best boyfriend ever." Football, of course, isn't popular in the parallel world (what the hell is _baseball _doing in _England_, for God's sake?), but Owen knows she loves it.

"No, I definitely want to go," she says eagerly. She can practically hear Owen's smirk on the other side of the phone.

"Is it because of me or because of the football?" he asks.

She rolls her eyes. "The football, obviously," she says, sarcasm dripping from her voice, although it's true: football is a major reason for her wanting to go.

"I thought so," Owen replies. "And then, maybe afterward…" he trails off, and Rose remembers just how much of a nymphomaniac Owen is. It makes her smile. She missed him more than she thought.

"I don't know about that," she says, and means it, even though she thinks his offer is charming.

"Alright," he says, and lets it go, but she knows he's still thinking about it. "So, Sunday night?"

"Sunday night," she confirms, and he hangs up. She smiles and then hangs up too.

And strangely, she finds that she's able to concentrate the rest of the day. Of course, her hand strays to the phone every once in a while, wanting to make that call, but she always pulls back at the last second.

Maybe it's time to let things go, she thinks, and although it hurts, she knows it's true.

* * *

It's been two weeks. Although she convinced herself to let go, she's still counting. It's a habit—she counted the first time they were separated, that time not by their own accord. And so she's counting again, counting every week, every day since the last time she's talked to him, much less seen him.

And while she goes through the motions of her daily life, her heart aches and she thinks, I want him back with me. But the moment that thought enters her mind, she pushes it out, refusing to go back to him.

But how is this any different than a year ago? she thinks as she's working. He's not with me, I'm not with him and it's not right.

Her heart constricts as she realizes, because he doesn't want to be with me.

"Hey," she hears from behind her and swivels around in her chair.

"Oh, hey, Suzie," Rose says, smiling at her friend and co-worker. Suzie is of higher rank than Rose is, but still treats her like an equal and mentors her.

Suzie leans down. "Are you okay?" she asks and Rose nods quickly.

"Yeah," she says, somewhat snappily. "I'm great."

Suzie's face softens and she breathes in, a gesture Rose knows pretty much as "Suzie doesn't buy your bullshit." "Uh huh," Suzie says, confirming Rose's feelings. "And what's the real story?".

Rose shakes her head. "Just…typical life stuff. Long days at work, friend problems, break ups, the works."

Suzie raises an eyebrow. "Did Owen break up with you?"

Rose's eyes widened as she realizes the slip up she made. "No…just…no, nevermind," says quickly, shrugging and getting back to work.

Suzie sighs, and rubs Rose's shoulder. "I understand, Rose," she says sincerely.

Rose smiles at her, hoping she'll go away. Suzie takes the cue, gets up, says she'll see Rose later and walks away. Rose, in any other situation, would be glad to have such great people constantly looking out for her.

But the thing is, she thinks, Suzie doesn't understand. No one can.

She doesn't even understand it.

Her phone starts to vibrate and she looks at it. One text message:

**hey i'm right outside**

She looks up, and sees a tall man with dark hair behind the foggy glass doors. Her heart beats quickly and she starts to run for the doors, but immediately stops when she realizes it's not _him_.

Of course it's not.

It's Owen though, so she goes outside anyway, just a little less eagerly. She still likes to see him, and he was so sweet by taking her to that football game. It still didn't cheer her up, and he noticed, but she let him know she appreciated it.

"Hey, babe," he says through his smile as she approaches him and gives him a quick kiss on the lips.

And then he leans down and kisses her, much deeper than how she just kissed him, or how she ever kisses him. The kiss makes her lips feel tingly and makes her smile, but something doesn't feel right. It doesn't fit, she thinks, but keeps kissing back.

He breaks the kiss after not to long, whispering something about public displays of affection. She smiles up at him.

"What was that for?" she asks, and his smile goes away, replaced with a look of curiosity.

"You're just…so distant," he says, and she shakes her head.

"No way, I'm all here," she says, smiling again.

He sighs, the smile returning, but says, "Sometimes I think you're not."

She rolls her eyes a little, but knows that he's right. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she returns the deep kiss with a kiss of her own.

As they're kissing, Rose tries to enjoy the tingly feeling she's getting. But somehow it feels forced, like she's trying to fit the wrong piece in a jigsaw puzzle. It almost fits, but as it is, it doesn't quite go in right.

Story of my life, she thinks, but lets herself be swept off her feet just for these few minutes.

* * *

A month since she last talked to him, and her friends are getting worried. Personally, she doesn't feel that she's been doing anything differently, but they've been doing that friend thing where they just "feel something's wrong."

So now Shareen has sat her down in a Starbucks and is grilling her on what's going on, like any best friend would. Or, well, Shareen would. Rose feels it's rather intrusive, but this is typical Shareen. Even in a parallel universe, her best friend hasn't changed.

At least, not personality wise. Career wise, Shareen is a successful young attorney, something Rose would never have pegged her for. But whatever occupation she's got, she's still trying to help Rose out, even if it's the exact opposite of what Rose actually wants to do.

Shareen gets straight to the point after she sits down with her chai latte. "What's going on, Rose?"

Rose pretends she has no idea what Shareen is talking about. "What do you mean?"

Shareen gives her that look, almost the exact one that Suzie gave her. "I don't buy that," she says, speaking exactly what Rose is thinking.

Rose sighs and looks down at her coffee. "I know," she mumbles. "I don't want to talk about it."

Shareen breathes out heavily in one large sigh and looks straight at Rose. "You gotta, mate. You can't go around moping for the rest of your life."

"Yes, I can," Rose says under her breath, wanting to be anywhere but here.

Shareen gives her a pleading look and says desperately, "Rose, please, just _tell _me."

Rose glares at her. "It's none of your business," she snaps, and immediately regrets it as a hurt look appears on Shareen's face.

Her best friend timidly tucks a piece of raven black hair behind her ear and looks up. "Rose, I just want to help."

Rose groans. "I know, I know," she says. "But I just…I don't know what to do, Shareen Hell, I don't even know how to _feel_."

"Pretty bad, I'd say, from what I've seen," Shareen offered, and Rose smiled slightly.

"I guess. I'm just…I feel fine, really, just sometimes…" Rose runs her hands through her hair as she leans her elbows on the table. "I don't know," she admits. "I don't know what went wrong and I don't know how to fix it and I don't know if I want to."

Shareen sighs and smiles sadly. "It's a guy, isn't it?" she asks.

Rose swallows, her throat feeling suddenly. "It's not just any guy…" she says, rather quietly. "He's the most wonderful, brilliant man in the universe…or he might be," she adds on, letting her insecurities out.

Shareen raises a confused eyebrow but says nothing. Rose takes that as a cue to continue.

"He's amazing and…_fantastic_," she says in a spirited whisper. Both of Shareen's eyebrows are raised now.

"Mate, you've got it bad," Shareen finally says. Rose gives a small laugh, but only because she knows it's true. "I just…you're not gonna like this," Shareen says, and Rose has a feeling she knows what her best friend is going to say.

"Yeah?" Rose asks, an invitation for Shareen to continue.

Shareen leans back in her chair, and for once, she seems to be completely serious and even a bit sad. "I think you've just gotta let go," she says in one long breath. Rose starts to feel numb. She had told herself that, but it's different when your best friend tells it to you. "You could try to fix things and maybe it could go right, but maybe it won't. And maybe you can't afford to take the chance, especially if you're this unsure."

Rose can't say anything. She can feel her heart break beneath her chest and the numb feeling just won't go away.

"Rose, mate, you okay?" Shareen asks, leaning forward and reaching out to rub her best friend's shoulder.

Rose smiles and tries to mean it, but every nerve feels like it's not functioning properly. Shareen notices and a sympathetic look crosses her light features.

"You okay?" she repeats, and Rose nods.

"Definitely," Rose confirms, some of the feeling starting to come back, nodding more vigorously than before. "Totally fine." She smiles when she sees the unconvinced look Shareen is giving her. "Seriously. Just gotta let go, I get it," she says and gets up. "Thanks for the talk, I gotta go back to work," she tells her best friend.

Shareen has a hurt look on her face, and Rose doesn't know what she's done. Shareen gave her good advice, is all. It's not her fault that Rose was feeling like this.

"Call me later," Shareen says quietly, sitting back and sipping her latte. Rose nods and leaves.

It's windy outside the Starbucks and Rose is squinting. She's about to cross the street when she notices something out of the corner of her eye.

It's standing there, no one noticing it, all big and blue. _Home_, Rose thinks and her heart stops.

But the wind subsides and Rose's eyes fully open and she sees that it's simply a telephone box.

The numb feeling comes lurking back. Rose sighs, crosses the street and thinks, _Just let go_.

She takes another look back at the now red telephone box, her gaze lingering, trying to remember what she thought she saw a minute ago. But it's only a memory, she tells herself, and she decides to keep walking forward.

* * *

It's been five weeks since he last talked to her. He's been counting and it's childish but he can't help it. He misses her, and he knows that if she said she wanted him back he'd go in a heartbeat, which is why he simply cannot call her. He knows she'd say she wants him and he'd go back to her and they'd be back at square one. So he keeps going, day after day, always thinking about her, but never daring to do anything about it.

He figures that the reason she hasn't called is because she really has moved on. Things seemed pretty final after their last conversation. She's probably already moved in with Owen, and they're planning to get married, and—

He abruptly stops himself. Jealousy is so very unbecoming of a Time Lord.

Looking around his room, he tries to find anything to distract him, and it's proving a difficult task to accomplish. The room is a bland olive green color, with not even a painting on the wall. I have to get my own apartment soon, he thinks. Living in the barracks is too much like war and not enough like home.

UNIT happily welcomed him. Or, well, happily isn't quite the right word. They did extensive research to confirm his story and then agreed to keep him there under surveillance. As he sits on his cot, he thinks how much this is like a Gedian prison. No TARDIS, no way out, and no Rose.

And then he thinks about it some for. For starters, the TARDIS was never really _his_. It belonged to the other him, the one that caused all this trouble in the first place, he thinks bitterly. And he isn't in UNIT as a prisoner, exactly. He came there of his own accord. And Rose, he thinks. I let her go. But the same thought concerning the TARDIS comes back to him. Rose was never really _his _to let go.

That's why he left.

He leans back on his cot, listening to the assortment of squeaking notices the wire frame is making. It entertains him, at least for fifteen seconds. But then his mind goes drifting back, to the smell of Rose's strawberry shampoo and her adorable laugh and both of them together, traveling all of time and space.

Memories that were never really his.

* * *

He sees strawberry blonde hair, a pink overcoat and a white scarf. Something stirs inside him and he can't quite place it until she turns around.

Her eyes are wide and her smile is toothy and her dimples are sweet—he can hear her soft, alto voice from across the room and for the first time he realizes how very alone he feels without someone to love him—without Rose.

"Oh, Doctor McCrimmon, we'd like you to meet our foreign affairs executive, Romana Lundar."

He can barely speak. She's dead, he thinks, and then he remembers—parallel universe. And all these emotions start flooding back—simply seeing her makes him weak. He loved her, he can't deny that, and now she's here, before him.

"Um, hello?"

He snaps out of it. Romana is looking straight at him, standing three feet away. "Hello," he says quickly, smiling manically, and sticks out his hand as she steps closer. "So very nice to meet you."

"And you too, Doctor…" she trails off. "Sorry, I didn't catch your last name."

He keeps nodding his head and grinning. "Doctor is just fine. You can just call me Doctor."

She raises an inquisitive eyebrow. "Okay, then…Doctor it is. See you later, I have to leave." She lets go of his hand, and turns around and walks away.

He watches her leave and that hollow feeling returns that he knows only Rose can possibly fill. He misses being loved.

And now, he reminds himself, she's gone.

The worst part is that this time he drove her away.

* * *

"Ha ha!" Rose laughs as she steps down after the breach closes. She feels giddy, almost as if she's walking on air. She looks over to her left and sees him there, staring at her.

She's captivated and starts walking toward him, as he does her.

They embrace, and she holds on to him—she never wants to let go, not ever.

They part, and he looks down at her, smiling. "Did you mean it?" he asks, breathing out heavily.

She nods frantically. "I never want to leave you," she repeats. There's a pause, and then she stands on her toes, kissing him.

The kiss is tender and sweet, everything she hoped their first kiss would be like. And he isn't breaking away like she imagined he would. He's kissing her back now, his arms around her waist, hers around his neck and the kiss is getting deeper. They're standing there among the wreckage of the battle, not noticing anything but each other and the way the other tastes and feels.

What seems like a moment later they're back on the TARDIS, and it feels like they've been there for years, traveling through time and space.

She looks around at him and smiles, and he smiles back at her, leaning down to kiss her. The kiss is just as tender as the last one, full of love, and she pulls back when she hears a voice.

"Mum!"

She turns around, and there's a tiny little boy running toward her. At first, it doesn't register with her, but when he comes to her, arms open for a hug, she remembers.

"Oh, my little boy," she giggles, picking him up. "Say hi to your daddy," she hands the child over to the Doctor, who grins.

And if out of nowhere, she feels a tug at her back. Something is pulling her, and she screams. Her son has disappeared, and the Doctor is reaching out to her and screaming for her. She can't do anything except give in to the pull.

There's a loud crack and she sits up.

It takes her a moment to register that it was a dream. When it does, she falls back down, her head hitting the pillow, and she rolls over on to her side, tugging the covers to her chest.

She doesn't cry herself to sleep; she simply lays awake all night, thinking of a future that never came to pass.

And while she stays awake, the Doctor dreams of both Romana and Rose, and how they were both clever and blonde and their smiles could brighten up his day. He dreams that they are all together on the TARDIS, saving the universe.

And then the dream shifts to simply Rose on the night before he left. He can feel her body on his; can practically touch her soft skin. Her mouth envelops his and he feels so passionate and close to her, something he's never felt before.

He tosses and turns throughout the night, in a vague dreamland of Rose.


	3. Chapter 3

**Foundations**

**Pairing: **10.5/Rose

**Disclaimer: **I don't own it.

**Note: **Post Journey's End. Present tense. Angsty.

* * *

"Hey, Rose, I'm having this party tonight, do you want to come?"

Rose turns around, surprised. Did Suzie just ask her to a party? She and Suzie weren't all that close—they ate lunch together sometimes.

She just sits there and blinks like a moron. Suzie repeats the question. "A party…do you want to come?"

Rose comes to her senses. "Oh!" she grins. "Totally."

A party will be the perfect thing to distract her.

* * *

This is awkward. Much too awkward. She wants to bang her head against the door, but knows that nothing good will come of that. Why did she agree to come to this party? Why did she think it would distract her? All she can think about it how much the Doctor would ease the awkwardness, hold her and make her laugh.

But now she's standing outside the door to Suzie's flat and there's no one holding her hand and she's definitely not laughing.

Suzie had asked if Owen wanted to come, and Rose said that he might, but he was particularly busy. Suzie smiled and said, "Good. There's someone I'd like you to meet."

Rose wishes that she had at least brought Owen along. The main reason she hadn't asked him is that she doesn't want to seem too needy—she's been calling him often the past few days and she can tell it is starting to grate on him.

But the thing is, he's the only thing that can possibly get her mind off of…well, she thinks. Off of _him. _

The door opens and Suzie is standing there, a slightly perplexed look on her face. "I thought someone was there…why didn't you knock?" Rose can hear the music in the background and she shrugs.

"Just catching my breath is all," she answers.

"Well," Suzie starts, opening the door wider and motioning for Rose to go in, "Feel free to help yourself to anything." She smiles. "And in a few minutes there's someone I want to introduce to you."

Rose walks in awkwardly, feeling an extreme urge to run the other way. She doesn't even talk to Suzie outside of work, and she certainly doesn't know anyone at the party. What the fuck was she thinking? Maybe she should call Owen and get him to come, or even better, take her somewhere else.

She's about to take her mobile out of her pocket when someone walks close to her and catches her eye. She takes a better look, and her breath gets caught in her throat.

"What are _you _doing here?" she manages to squeak out at him, and suddenly numbness overtakes her.

"Um…do I know you?" he asks, turning around. The numbness starts to go away as she realizes it isn't him.

No, it's just a tall, thin man with messy brown hair and a grin that can light up a room. She looks at his eyes and realizes that _those _haven't changed. She starts to wonder why The Powers That Be are playing such a cruel joke on her.

Because standing in front of her, a confused look on his face, is a man who looks uncannily similar to the Doctor. His nose is a little more straight and his cheekbones a little more prominent, but she realizes why she thought this man was the Doctor.

"I'm sorry," she says quickly. "Just thought you were someone else."

He nods, smiling, and starts to walk away when Suzie comes up to them. "Oh, I'm so glad you two met! I was planning to introduce you later."

Rose raises an eyebrow. "What?" she says, her voice going back to that annoying squeaky tone it had before.

Suzie smiles at her. Rose gets the feeling that she's being silently scolded by her newfound friend.

"I wanted you to meet Shaun. I just thought that you two would get along so wonderfully," she says, and Rose wants to roll her eyes. _Fuck. _

He seems just as surprised as she is, but she knows he couldn't possibly be. After all, _she_ doesn't look like his lover from another universe who is her but actually isn't. She laughs slightly. It'd be rather ironic if she did, though.

Shaun quickly regains composure and sticks his hand out towards her. "Shaun Bateman," he tells her, and she takes his hand, shaking it.

She smiles. "Rose Tyler," she replies. "Pleasure meeting you."

"And you," he says, rather ironically. It makes her laugh. She's jarred when he laughs along with her—it reminds her so much of the Doctor.

Suzie grins. "I'm so glad you two are getting along. I have to go take care of something, but you two have a good time, okay?" she says and then walks off, leaving Rose and Shaun standing there.

And strangely, there isn't any awkwardness there. She actually feels _comfortable _in this man's presence.

"So," she starts. "How do you know Suzie?"

"Me and her went to university together," he replies. She nods. "You?" he asks.

"Work."

"Oh. Right." He smiles at her. "Can I get you a drink?" he offers.

Rose nods. "Definitely. Something strong." _Definitely_ something strong.

"Cool," he says, and walks off to the kitchen area. Rose smiles, impatient for her drink. She was right—this night might be the perfect mix of fantasy and distraction.

* * *

"So, he's all yelling at me, right? And then I just can't take it anymore and _my_ _God _he's an amazing shag," she says. "The end. He just leaves." She downs another shot, and laughs. She's so glad she moved on from beer—she definitely feels better.

Rose looks over next to her at Shaun, who is leaning against the couch. He just sighs, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

"What?" Rose asks, still smiling.

Shaun is still shaking his head, running one of his hands through his thick brown hair. God, Rose misses that hair and wishes she could run her hands through it too. "Just," he starts, and then sighs. "I thought you were cute and funny, but Rose, all you've done for the last two, three hours is talk about your ex."

She doesn't get it. "So?"

He groans. "Rose, almost everyone is gone and you're _still _talking about him and I thought you'd maybe want to go out but now I'm not so sure."

Her smile drops. "Did I do something wrong?" she asks, a pout starting to form.

He stands up and looks down at her. "You just don't get it, do you? If you're so obsessed with this guy, why don't you just fucking call him and leave me alone?" he asks, and then shakes his head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so rude, but…I'm just going to go," he tells her, and then walks away.

Rose stands up, stumbling. "Wait!" she yells, but then trips. She falls on to the couch, thankfully, but still starts to cry.

She curls up, leaning against the bottom of the couch, arms hugging her knees to her chin, sobbing. She feels like she's seventeen again and Jimmy Stone has just broken her heart. She digs her face into her knees and cries, shoulders shaking.

It seems like she's been crying forever and still isn't out of tears when she feels someone touch her shoulder. "Honey?"

She sniffs and turns her head in the direction of the tap. Suzie is standing there, a concerned look on her face. "What's wrong?" she says, urgency in her voice.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to ruin your party," Rose mumbles, trying to stand up and gain composure. "I'll just leave."

Suzie shakes her head and takes Rose's hand in her. "Just sit down. What's wrong? You don't have to tell me," she adds, and Rose sits back down. Her head is spinning and she's still crying like a freak and can't stop herself.

"Why…why do I always have to drive everyone away?" she cries, and Suzie sits next to her. "It's all my fault."

"No, it isn't," Suzie says, as if she has complete authority over the subject. Rose shakes her head violently, going back to crying in her knees again.

"It is. He was…he _is _perfect and I didn't get that and he didn't want to be with me anymore. And God, I just love him _so fucking much_." She looks at Suzie, still crying, and rubs her face in her jacket sleeve. She doesn't care that she blew a hundred quid on this jacket, or that she reminds herself of a five year old, or that she's being completely ridiculous.

But Suzie doesn't seem to notice any of these things. She looks at Rose and gives a small smile.

Rose continues. "I just don't know how to fix it. And it's not fair to him, 'cause he's fucking right about everything and it's not fair to Owen because I love him too, I think, and it's not fucking fair to me either. And…" she takes a deep breath, and starts to cry harder. "And he just left me in the morning without saying goodbye and it's like I'm never gonna see him again and it's killing me." She's full on sobbing now, unable to stop.

"Shhh," Suzie whispers to her, taking Rose by the shoulders and letting her lean against her. "It's not your fault. None of it's your fault. You're amazing…" she trails off, rubbing Rose's hair.

Rose can't stop crying and keeps repeating, "I love him so much." And strangely, it seems that Suzie understands everything. "I love him so much," Rose cries, unable to think of anything else.

She lies there, head on Suzie's lap, sobbing. Suzie simply strokes her head soothingly, whispering, calming her down. Eventually Rose stops crying and falls asleep like a small child, and for once she feels content.

* * *

Rose wakes up groggily, feeling highly disoriented. She sits up and realizes that she's been tucked into a bed that is not her own. It takes her about a minute to remember what happened, and suddenly she feels extremely embarrassed.

She can hear humming coming from outside the room, and she stands up, stumbling a little. She slowly paces through the doorway and eventually into the kitchen area where she sees Suzie standing over the stove, cooking eggs.

Suzie eventually notices that Rose is there. She turns around. "Oh, hi," she says, smiling. "I was just making some breakfast. Do you want some?"

Rose nods in response, feeling her stomach and head start to ache simultaneously. Maybe some food would make her feel better. Hopefully. Because right now, she feels pretty shitty. But she knows that no matter how much she eats, nothing can ease her embarrassment.

She's completely silent while Suzie cooks. In a few awkward minutes, Suzie divides up the eggs and puts a plate and a fork in front of Rose. "Eat," she orders. "It'll make you feel better."

"Mmm…" Rose grunts, realizing that her head is aching like a motherf—

"Are you okay?"

Rose looks up, distracted from her thoughts. "My head hurts," she answers. "And I feel kind of embarrassed."

Suzie smiles warmly, but then lets out a laugh. "It's fine. Believe me, I've had plenty of times like that before."

"Where you drink so much that you trip and start crying?" Rose asks, because she's pretty sure that was exclusive to her.

Suzie raises a curious eyebrow. "So you don't remember…?" she asks, unsure.

"Remember what?"

"What you said."

Rose's eyes widen. "What'd I say?" she questions, wondering what else she could have done to embarrass herself.

"Well…" Suzie trails off. "Nevermind," she says quickly. "But really, it was all fine. Everyone had left by the time you started crying, and I didn't mind one bit."

Rose nods quickly. "Thanks. But what did I say?"

"Nothing."

"Suzie…" Rose trails off, and then grumpily takes a bite of her eggs. She hates parties.

Suzie smiles at her. "It's no big deal. But Rose," she says, and then takes Rose's free hand in her own. "I'm always here for you."

Rose blushes. What could she have possibly said to warrant this from _Suzie_, of all people? Yeah, sure, Suzie was nice, in an "ice queen" sort of way. But here Suzie was, acting like she was Rose's new best friend.

When Suzie starts gently rubbing her hand, though, Rose starts to remember snippets of the night before. She remembers lying down on Suzie's lap, crying. She remembers Suzie comforting her. Rose looks up at her friend and smiles.

"Suzie…" Rose trails off. "I don't really remember but…thank you."

Suzie lets go of her hand and takes the salt shaker. "No problem," she replies. "It's totally fine."

Rose nods, starting to feel awkward again. They don't say anything for a while—Rose is concentrating on her headache, and Suzie is reading the paper. Rose is almost done with her eggs when she blurts out, "Tell me what I said. Please?"

Suzie puts down her paper and looks at her friend. Her face is a mixed expression of sympathy and frustration. "It was nothing," she answers. "Seriously."

Rose is about to protest when their mobiles start to ring. It takes Rose a moment to reorient herself and actually _find _her phone, while Suzie has already picked hers up and is talking softly and quickly on the phone.

By the time Rose finds her phone, she's missed the call. It's from work. Shit.

"Yeah, she's here. I'll tell her. Yeah, as soon as possible," Suzie says, and then takes the phone from her ear, hanging up. She turns to Rose. "That was work."

Rose sighs. "Yeah, I figured."

Suzie nods and continues. "There's an emergency mission. There was some sort of crash landing spotted and we've been called in. They didn't tell me any more than that."

Rose immediately stands up, ready to find her coat and leave with Suzie when she stumbles. God, her head is killing her. Fuck it.

"You okay to go in?" Suzie asks, and Rose nods, groaning.

"I'm fine," she says, and regains composure, or at least as much composure as she possibly can. "Let's go."

Suzie agrees, but stands close to Rose as if she is making sure that Rose won't stumble again. Rose is actually grateful for this, because she's fairly sure she doesn't need any more embarrassment. Or a huge bruise on her face.

But as they head into work, talking about what could possibly have happened with a crash landing and what exactly they are supposed to do about it, dread lurks in the back of Rose's mind.

What could she have possibly said the night before? Why did she feel this ache of embarrassment and…sorrow?

She shakes her head, and then smiles, realizing that her plan worked. She's perfectly distracted.

* * *

Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fucking fuck fuck shit. God _fucking _dammit. Bollocks, complete fucking bollocks it is.

Being distracted lasts all of an hour until she's told that she is going to be working with UNIT. Working very closely with UNIT. In fact, working very closely with UNIT's new recruit, a Dr. James McCrimmon, who has extensive knowledge of this particular species of alien.

Fuck.

She tries to convince herself that it might be another James McCrimmon. But she highly doubts it. Turns out her doubts are right.

She gets to the campsite, fully geared up and fully briefed, a pit in her stomach. The mission is simple enough—track down the aliens, apprehend them and keep them alive but sedated.

What is not so simple is where she is now, walking side by side with UNIT's new recruit, a man she hasn't seen in over two months.

He attempts to start meaningless, chattering conversation and for a few moments she's brought back to what seems like forever ago—a time of hand holding and running and exploring and loving. But she's soon brought back to reality when she looks at him, really _looks _at him and thinks, it's just not the same.

She's know she's being selfish and unfair to everyone involved, which is why she resolves to simply focus on the mission.

Momentarily looking back up at the man next to her who is babbling on, her stomach sinks to her knees.

_Fuck_.

* * *

"So, Doctor McCrimmon, how are you liking UNIT thus far?" she asks, purposefully donning a cold exterior.

"'Doctor McCrimmon'?" he snorts. "That's simply immature, Rose."

Her eyes narrow. "Isn't that your name, though?"

"You know it's not," he says as they walk further down the path. "Simply the Doctor, as I've told you before."

Rose smiles, feeling spite filling her. "See, I knew a man named that once. You don't remind me much of him."

It takes her a few seconds before she realizes that he's stopped walking. She turns around and sees him a few feet behind her. She raises an eyebrow.

His lips are thin and a dark look is creeping onto his features. "I know," he says, his voice low and serious. "That's why we're no longer the way we were."

"And how exactly was that, Doctor McCrimmon?" she asks, glaring at him.

"In love," he answers, and his response is so emotionally raw that for a moment she wants to forget about everything and take him in her arms. He continues: "I just…you should know that I just want to make it easier for you, in the long run. I know that you can never accept me as…as him, and I just want it to be…well, as I said, easier. I think that we can move on. It shouldn't be too hard," he tells her, but she can hear in his voice that it's probably the hardest thing he's ever done. She knows it won't exactly be easy for her. "And I thought that a clean break would be the best. For you. And," he rambles on, "and I just wanted you to be happy with that…that doctor because you've moved on already and I wanted to make it easier—"

"Shut up. Shut up!" she yells at him, unable to stand anymore of his incoherent babbling. He quickly closes his mouth. "I can't believe you. You think…you weren't thinking about me, you stupid git. And you just…you just left me in the morning without telling me and…" Her eyes burn with tears, but she looks away, refusing to cry. "This isn't the time. It doesn't matter right now. Or ever," she adds.

From the look on his face, Rose thinks he's going to protest and she wonders if it would be a bad move shoot him. She can't listen to anymore. But his face tenses, and he says nothing but "Fine."

The next minutes are silent but tense. Rose tries not to think about the Doctor and his sulking, so instead she takes to inspecting the area around her. "This is very strange," she says. "It seems almost…like a rainforest."

The Doctor shrugs. "Not really. The vegetation is simply more lush than you're used to. It's nothing unnatural."

Rose turns around and glares at him. "It was just an observation," she says, and he raises an eyebrow.

"Well, you were observing wrong," he says nonchalantly, going over to inspect something. Rose balled her hands into fists.

"You can't _observe _wrong," she tells him. "And plus, it was just—"

"Shh!"

"I will not—"

He puts his hand over his mouth and pulls her to a tree near them. "I can see them," he whispers to her.

Her heart is pounding, faster and faster as she grips the tree, trying not to feel his presence behind her. But she can't ignore it, because she feels his warm body pressing up against hers and his hot breath tickling on her neck. He's grabbing her around the waist now, holding her close to him, and she reminds herself that it's simply because he doesn't want them to be seen by the aliens.

One of the aliens comes walking toward the tree, and her breath catches in her throat. She turns around, trying not to be seen and realizes that their noses are now almost touching.

They no longer notice the alien threat around them. They're staring in the other's eyes, and Rose swallows. There's a feeling growing in her stomach and he's still holding her around the waist. This is one of the most intimate positions they've been in.

He leans down, and their lips are centimeters apart from each other. She refuses to close her eyes and stares him down. She can feel his hot breath on her face and his grip on her tightens. His other arm is leaning against the tree and he dips his face down—she can feel his breath on her neck again. And for a second she thinks that he's kissing her neck, but knows that's not possible. He just doesn't want to look at her anymore, she thinks.

But she's holding him like he's holding her, pressing him to her. She tells herself it's so that there's less chance of being seen, but she knows that that explanation is complete bollocks. Suzie would call her out on it instantly.

She thinks she can feel his hand trailing down her thigh, and she tenses up. Her arms are under his, holding tightly onto his back and she wonders if they could possibly get any closer to each other.

It turns out they can, and now he's pressing her against the tree and she feels like she's being smothered, but that tense feeling in her gut isn't going away. Her lips are starting to tingle and she's holding on to him tighter than before, practically digging her nails into his back. Now she's sure that he's kissing her neck and his free hand is traveling up and down her thigh, rubbing it gently and sensually.

Finally she lets go from his torso and wraps her arms around his neck. She can feel him lifting her up, completely pinning her against the tree and she wraps her legs around him. She's looking at him now, and she realizes that she's never seen her Doctor look like this before. He has such raw passion in his eyes, and she's completely captivated. They're level now, staring at each other.

She begins closing her eyes and starts to lean in, running her hands through his thick hair. Their lips are practically touching; she can feel his breath in her mouth. His lips graze over hers and she's ready to give in.

A loud cry disrupts the moment and the spell is broken. She looks around in fear, pushing herself off the Doctor and looking around. The aliens have spotted them. She looks back at him, and there's a strange smile on his face.

He quickly grasps her hand. "Run!"

* * *

They're running through the soggy trees, not noticing anything around them. She feels her hand in his and holds it tighter. Adrenaline rushes through her veins and for some reason she's grinning.

He looks back at her and the same grin is on his face. He's actually having _fun_. But the thing is, she is too. She loves holding his hand as they sprint to safety, or whatever the hell they're going to run in to next.

She thinks back to the first day she met him, when he was all northern and leather jacket and cropped hair. They did the exact same thing—running, holding hands and God, even _laughing_. Because the truth of the matter is, as long as she's next to him, she doesn't care. She loves this life and wouldn't trade it for anything.

It's only when she trips over a protruding root and isn't caught by the Doctor that she remembers that this isn't the life she had, and this isn't the Doctor. But it becomes a passing thought as he pulls her up and close to him. She stares up at him and smiles.

"Hi," she says, breathing heavily.

"Hi," he replies, grinning, taking her hand in his again.

They hear a rustle from the side of the path and Rose's heart momentarily stops.

But it's only Suzie who leaps out of the bushes. "What the hell is going on?!" she yells, and Rose is suddenly thrown back into reality, a reality where it isn't her Doctor that's holding her hand and where she definitely shouldn't be laughing at the fact that they're being chased by aliens partial to species cleansing. Where she remembers that it isn't just her and the Doctor any more—that she has friends and partners who she needs to fight for.

It takes Rose a few seconds to catch her breath and respond. "They…they found us…they're coming after us…"

Suzie nods. "Just keep running, just keep at it until you get to base. I'll hold them off," she tells them.

"But—" Rose starts, but the Doctor squeezes her hand.

He looks at Suzie. "Thank you," he says, and starts to run again, pulling Rose along with him.

Rose stops running, almost trips, and violently jerks her hand away from his grip. "I'm going back," she states defiantly. "She'll get butchered if she stays there."

"Rose, we have to—"

"I don't give a shit," Rose spits at him. "I'm going back."

She turns around but he grabs on to her arm. "No, you're not," he tells her. She rips her arm from his grasp.

"Yes. I. Am," she states, her voice full of spiteful venom. At this moment, more than ever, she hates the Doctor. She hates _this _Doctor for not acting like her other Doctor would and letting her go save her friend, and she hates _her _Doctor for sticking her with this one.

His face softens. "Rose, you'll get killed."

"I don't care, I'm going," she says, looking straight at him. He's no longer angry or nervous. Instead there's an acute expression of hurt on his face and he's reaching out to her.

"I don't know…I can't lose you, Rose," he says, his voice almost a whisper.

Rose swallows. "I'm sorry," she tells him, and starts to run back to her friend, pulling her gun from its holster. She hates using weapons, but she'll do anything to save her friend. As she runs, she thinks about the Doctor and his hand outstretched to her, whispering, I can't lose you.

I can't lose you either, she wants to say to him, but knows that she just can't.

She thinks she's almost there when she hears a high-pitched scream. Her heart stops.

A lump forms in her throat as she starts to sprint. She has to get there in time; she just has to. Tears start filling her eyes and everything's a big blur.

And when she reaches the place where she saw Suzie last, the blur clears as the tears are released.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

* * *

"Why didn't you save her? _Why didn't you save her?_" Rose screams at him. He can see the tears fall from her eyes in thick streams, and she's simply standing there, shaking. It looks like if she doesn't move she'll explode from the intensity coursing through her. Her fists are clenched and the expression of pain on her face reminds him of when she was possessed by the time vortex—something horrible is burning inside her. He can't tell whether it's sorrow for Suzie's death or hatred that he couldn't stop it.

Before he knows what he's doing, his arms are around her and he's pressing her to him. He grasps on to her, wanting to take that pain away. She starts to sob and thrash and pound against his chest, mumbling into his shirt, "It's all your fault. You didn't do what you were supposed to do. You didn't save her. It's all your fault."

He realizes as she says these things that the reason Rose is so upset is because she's so unbelievably disappointed in him. And she has every reason to be, too. He's a savior, isn't he? He's supposed to _save _people. But he could barely even save Rose this time.

"Sometimes, Rose, everybody lives," he whispers to her and she starts to cry even harder. "But only sometimes. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Everybody lives," she whispers, and he knows that she's remembering.

He knows that this is the culmination of everything he's felt thus far in his unbelievably short life—inadequacy, confusion, loss. He wants to be the man she's remembering so desperately. He wants to be able to save everybody, all the time. But he can't. And God, he feels something else—such overwhelming love. He loves her too much, and that makes him squeeze his arms tighter around her.

Finally she stops crying, but every once in a while she lets out a whimper. He knows he should contact his team but he can't bear to break their embrace. So he just stands there, rubbing her hair, her head tucked under his chin and he whispers to her how much he loves her and how sorry he is.

* * *

Three days later his phone starts to vibrate in his pocket. It surprises him at first—he's never really had a mobile and if he had he certainly wouldn't have put it on vibrate (it's such an uncomfortable feeling). But he scrambles to grab it from his pocket and he opens it without looking at the Caller ID.

"Hello?" he says. No one responds. "Hello? Look, I appreciate you calling and everything, whoever you are, but I'm really very busy and I don't have time—"

"Hi."

His heart, singular (he will never get used to that) stops. She's calling him? Roseis calling him? _Rose _is calling _him. _"Oh."

"Um…yeah…" he can hear her breathing and he wishes he were next to her, holding her hand. "Hi," she repeats.

He smiles. "Hi."


End file.
